Some Days You Just Feel OFF

July 1, 1979 - January 28, 2011

Instead of sounding like a guy and blaming my attitude on the typical P.M.S. cop-out (cause that's not the least this week), I took a nap this evening to rid myself of the funk I've been in lately. As a woman, I know how quickly I can be labeled as nasty or the "b word". At times I can be. But deep down I knew that something bigger than a hormonal episode was lurking inside.

For one, I haven't really had any reason to be unhappy lately. I have a great family, I'm breathing and I have a lot of creative projects coming up.

Two, I've made a few minor changes in my life that are hopefully going to put me on a path to greatness. 
 That being said, I could probably work on a few things; mainly relationships that are broken and need to be mended. But that will happen in due time. I just could not, for the life of me, figure out why I was so bummed this week. 

Then, it hit me!

This time last year, I was at home pacing back and forth because my cousin was missing. I remember posting to my Facebook wall on January 27, 2011 at 11:38pm:

I remember that night like it was yesterday, instead of one year ago. My nerves turned to anger. I was lashing out on the police officer who responded to all my inquires with a nonchalant attitude. He kept giving me the whole spiel about how it had to be 24 hours before filing the report, who had to file it and blah, blah, freakin' blah.

No one wants textbook answers when their loved ones are missing. Heck, I don't want textbook answers when I'm on the phone with a customer service rep. 

The persistence of my family was key to calming my nerves a bit. They searched for him that night and never gave up. I believe that their courage and determination is what helped make the search a priority. If I'm being honest, a black male in that area isn't necessary a priority. Thank goodness his mother had plenty of friends to assist in the search.

At the time this was all happening, I was in denial. Surely he wasn't really missing. There was just a slight case of miscommunication, he was probably chilling somewhere and he'd return back home in the morning.

Now we know, THAT never happened.

It ended in tragedy. He was discovered just feet away from where I used to reside. My heart broke into several pieces at the thought of this.

If you noticed, I can't even say his name.

But I should be able to because of the smile he brought to so many lives.

One year has passed and there isn't a day that goes by where I do not think about you. Sometimes when I'm at home and the house is quiet and still, I always joke that there's a meeting being held in the attic. There are quite a few angels up there now.

I walk into the house every day, and see your face. I even talk to your picture and say, "What now, Lemon? What are you going to say?!"

Now that I think about it, this is how my insomnia started. I never quite figured out what caused this constant battle with slumber, but it all makes perfect sense. I had no problem falling asleep before all this occurred. Nowadays, I am lucky if I fall asleep before midnight. I guess I just have a lot on my mind (and a technology shares the blame as well.).

And today, especially today, my mind is on you.

You'd be so proud of your little lady. Her mom keeps me updated on all her adventures in growing up. She's smart, talented and beautiful– not that you didn't know that already. I wonder if she knows how blessed she is to have an angel watching over her in heaven. 

You're greatly missed, but never forgotten. Continue to watch over us here on Earth.

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