I woke up in the clothes I wore yesterday, in a bed that wasn't mine and hair that bared a slight resemblance to that of Joe Dirt. My face was decorated with the print from a cotton blanket I buried my head under last night. I fought hard to dominate that blanket, even subjecting my bed guest, Kaden, to form a fetal position to harvest warmth. I'm not sure if he needed my company last night or I needed his. In any event, we both invited the idea with opened arms...and closed eyes.
I remember falling asleep uncontested after an uneventful 17-hour day. I would say I was productive, but that would be a bit of a lie. I only emptied my e-mail inboxes, worked on a project for the soccer coach's gift, re-vamped the look of my blog, attended an awards ceremony at my son's school, tweeted, updated, commented...and showered. The showering alone is my biggest accomplishment of the day. I did not, however, play with my son.
Instead, I let him seek entertainment from a selection of video games, in the process ignoring his calls for me to "come see" what he was doing. After forcing myself to get up from the chair housed so familiarly in front of the computer screen, I joined him for a few quick two minute sessions. That is all I had to offer him. Two minutes. Here and there. It seems that motherhood is wearing a different face these days (but the same dress from the day before apparently).
I'm drained. Exhausted. Numb. Careless, but not carefree. I've been a bit fleeing too- running away from all of my problems as if they will disappear like a performer in the second act of a magic show. I don't think I've touched a dish, cooked dinner, folded a sock, or had a night full of uninterrupted slumber.
Lately I feel like I am walking around with a clock that ticks loudly and whose battery never dies (insert Flavor Flav joke here). Almost like a constant reminder that you can't turn off life. There is no stopping it.
I just want to hit the snooze button. Escape for moments at a time to a place that suspends reality. While I'm there I know time will continue to push right through and past me, but a least I'll have control over a small piece of my life, if only for a few minutes. And maybe, just maybe, I'll have enough energy to "come see" all the wonderful things my son has discovered without me. I'm hoping the snooze button is one of them. ; )
I'm almost certain things will get better. Besides, I'm much happier when I'm happy. LOL!
sleep statue and time stock photo by www.pixmac.com